I am lucky. Throughout the highs and lows, the experiments, the discoveries, and everything in between, I’ve had amazing support.
One of our clients has turned into a good friend + accountability buddy. Thinking of gym visits as joyful movement has helped alleviate the dread of exercise, but still – in my quest to find work-life balance, work tends to win more times than not. Our pre-set calendar dates have held me accountable and made me realize that I just feel better (physically and emotionally) when I move.
Thanks to our gym’s New Year’s promotion, my husband has joined in our carpool. After the first few workouts, I quickly found myself in a car of trackers. They compare apps and talk about the numbers in them. When the conversation turned to calories, my fight or flight kicked in: “Calories don’t matter!” I snapped. And I bounced off like I’d done my anti-diet crusader duty for the day.
Later, I drove across town and settled into the comfy couch of my voice of reason. “I feel horrible,” I said confessing the entire story… which led me to give two face-to-face apologies.
I’ve done a lot of work on reforming self-talk in the last year. I am (mostly) conscious of my thoughts as I look in the mirror and make choices – even as I make mistakes. I am very careful with how I refer to myself (even in jest!) because I’ve seen the repercussions of repeated messaging; how you start to believe lies about yourself when you never listen to the truth.
And since I’ve learned this about myself, why am I not more careful about the speech I direct to others?
My husband and I traveled to the mountains last weekend and on our last night, I felt slighted. I spent most of my coveted sleeping hours tossing in the hotel bed with a way-too-soft-for-my-liking pillow. I huffed and puffed, replaying the day in my head. I thought of things I could say to accurately express my frustration and disappointment. “That’ll stick it to him,” my vengeful brain and hurting heart agreed.
Several hours later, 30 minutes before my alarm, I showered and packed as much as I could in the dark ’till I heard him stir and start to get ready. “Finally,” I thought, rolling my eyes.
Turning on a lamp, I pulled 100 Days to Brave out of my suitcase. I was a day behind, but the message didn’t seem to think so.
“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:21 NIV
Gah. Okay. I get it.
It’s tough, isn’t it – peace offerings, being the first to break the silence, and laying down weapons? I weighed the worth of my pride and ego and made a choice to forego the silent treatment, forget the dialogue I’d planned in the wee hours, and simply asked if he wanted to grab coffee instead.
The graphic I posted a while back sticks with me: Mind Full or Mindful? I think this might be the key to everything. What if we all created space to be in the moment, to direct our attention to our experiences as they unfold, to intentionally choose our words with the goal of speaking life? I think this could change the world.
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I felt these words were speaking to me. Many times I don’t think before I speak. The words flow too fast, in frustration at times, and now the water has flowed down stream. Thank you for this encouragement.
It’s SO easy, especially in moments of frustration! I have apologized after the fact so many more times than doing it right the first time. Such a hard lesson to learn.
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