I had one big pep talk this morning with a little wonder on the side of what this session would hold. Might this be the last one? I’ve made so much progress and feel so much better! Am I “cured?”

As I wrapped up the last two chapters in the book I’d been working through for the past 7 months, I highlighted this sentence:

“…taught to take each setback as a learning experience, rather than a failure.”

It’s a lovely sentiment. And I’ve written about non-linear recovery paths before, so this makes sense to me. But, today—today, I felt the weight of these words. I sat on a comfy couch locking eyes on this F-word, jumping off the page in neon yellow.

My cheeks were burning. I always hear the same question when I start to cry: “What’s coming up for you right now?” The F-word, failure, was staring me down. And I was blindsided by this emotion.

I talked through fear of failure as an entrepreneur, but that wasn’t it.

What I found was 17-year old me standing in front of a mirror, trying to zip a prom dress that wouldn’t budge. I remembered cancelling my senior class plans all together and playing it off like I really didn’t want to go, anyway. In the next few minutes, I recalled every single appointment with dietitians, every up-tick of the scale, every failed diet, every disappointed look I pretended not to see when I ate things I shouldn’t.

My loved ones will try to convince me of the contrary (for that, I love and thank them), but that term, failure – it resonates deeply.

As I closed the back cover on top of the pages before it, I realized this is not the end, but only the beginning.

For my million ‘what ifs’, I resolve to not live in fear. Those bridges will be crossed only when I come to them and in the meantime, I’m setting new intention to declutter my distractions.

During my vacation under the Akumal palms, I finished two books. The In-Between by Nashville-based author, Jeff Goins focuses on embracing the tension between now and the next big thing. He speaks to the seemingly insignificant things in life and explains why those are actually the most significant.

The connection between being present in my day-to-day life, waiting for the dreams of my career, and being mindful around food is not lost on me. I am almost 38 and still haven’t mastered the art of patience.

“Maybe that’s the point of the in-between. All things we wait for are not merely roadblocks on the long journey; they are the journey. …And maybe that’s all we need: not to accomplish an arbitrary list of goals or to pursue a plan already laid out, but to find the one that’s waiting for us, that’s been there all along.”
– Jeff Goins, The In-Between

In time.